A rut. A new beginning?

So, a bitch is sad.

And not in the high school way I once was, where I was working a job I hated, doing school I found senseless, in a stifling suburb, stuck in a body I wanted to crawl out of like a shell, with no love life in sight. No, the beast of bad vibes has taken a new form. I’ll break it down by aforementioned category:
Job – unemployed and not in a good way, need to start applying so I can actually support myself and start paying back my debts. Yikes.
School – finished all my credits minus the extension for a thesis I cannot get myself to write because I know it will end this chapter in my life (and make me start adulthood). Also yikes.
Setting – though that visa time bomb is ticking- I still live in the beautiful Paris proper, frantically searching for an apartment and a new place to eat
Body – the Stockholm syndrome has finally kicked in and I like her. Would not complain about a larger ass or perkier boobs, but she’s like a well-oiled machine that’s inclined to hyperpigmentation. Need to start going to the gym more often but the men occupy the fucking weights like they’re paid to look at the panty line on my leggings and french gyms have no air-con (I wanna sweat but that much).
Love – LOL, does being strung along in 4 new languages count?
It’s August and I haven’t been posting here and it makes me sad. I have no excuse. My lover’s den is now empty. It is devoid of my lover- or ex-lover (there was a complicated and rough breakup). Being like the rest of the French of Paris, my ex has fled to the southern parts of Europe for deep tans and day drinking while I lay in bed naked, alone, and very pensive. I would venture out but can’t seem to find the motivation to wake up before noon and the streets of the city are nearly empty save the American tourists- a reprieve from having to poorly speak French because everyone assumes I’m just passing through and let me use English? or cursed by the heavy-handed flirting of local French men who want to show me some “cool spot” (likely the Champ de Mars)? you decide. The city feels for the first time like it is my own and I think that terrifies me so I’ve been keeping my blinds closed.

The last months have been weird but I’ve mostly kept moving, by taking courses or by travel. Being back in Paris and having to be alone has been quite an existential moment. The plus side is: I have entered that part of the break-up where I can visit spots “we” loved and no longer dote on the memories I have with them there. The downside is: I have entered the part of adulthood where I’m constantly reminding myself how much fucking money I’m spending living a fantasy in this beautiful, expensive city.

So I’m in a rut. I’m broke, I’m faltering, and I’m directionless. And I’m talking to this blog again. Looking at this white webpage I know I need to get it together. And clean my screen. And today I will. To both of those things. No more self-pitying. The universe isn’t against me, and while I know this, it’s indifference is still feeling like a bit of slight. Hopefully, I’ll take you guys on a journey with me. To get out of this rut and practice some fun stuff.  And keep you better updated. Watch this space! (Again).

From a lady taking Beyonce’s advice and getting in formation,
Destiny

 

 

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